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It’s the last Friday in April, guys! That means it’s time to round up the best and worst pickup lines of the month. As you might know from previous posts, I have accounts on a wide array of free hookup apps and dating sites. And all these sites like Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, etc., make it really easy to meet people for hookups, relationships, or whatever you’re looking for. However, the easy nature of these dating sites and hookup apps (those are different things, lemme tell ya) makes people forget there’s a real person on the other end of their messages. People start saying things that they would never say to someone at a bar or coffee shop. Sometimes this can be a great thing– to be emboldened by something other than alcohol. But sometimes people get really crude, or mean.
The Tinder Files are my collection of all these awful (and wonderful!) pickup lines. They’re also my attempt to hold people accountable for what they say on social media. I post the totally gross and inappropriate ones, hoping it’ll become less socially acceptable to treat people like sex objects just because you have screens between you. I also post the ones that don’t make sense. Because even if you’re just on hookup apps looking for sex, a person deserves a message that you bothered to proofread. Finally, I also post the sweet and clever ones, because I’m a positive person and we all need that sometimes.
Before we get started, I do want to let you know that I have ground rules set. I would never make fun of anyone’s ethnicity, race, or appearance. This isn’t about me being better than the guys who message me. It’s about all those things I said up there, and also sometimes laughing a lot. I would also never post messages that look well-intentioned, for similar reasons. I’m not here to make fun of people’s awkwardness. God, if I of all people made fun of awkwardness, just send me straight to hell. Finally, I’ll cover up some identifying information. If pictures are close-up enough to easily identify faces, I’ll cover them. If there are full names, I’ll cover them. First name along with location, I’ll cover that too. You get the idea.
Blah blah blah, get to the funny part. I know. Here we go.
1. Third Time’s a Charm
Whether it was on hookup apps, while texting, or whatever, we’ve all accidentally sent a message more than once when we thought it hadn’t gone through and it had. It happens, and can be forgiven. It’s bad, but not like, liked-the-56-week-old-Instagram-pic bad. Sometimes there’s some sort of Wifi malfunction, sometimes it freakin’ says it didn’t send when it did, etc. However, notice the time stamps on this Plenty of Fish screenshot. They mark an hour difference between the first two messages. Then, there’s twenty more minutes between the second time and third time.
What do you think? On purpose, or an innocent mistake?
2. The Finer Things
SMOOTH AS A BABY’S BOTTOM, FRIENDS.
I love this pickup line, and I also love his business-like approach to the dating scene. You can’t see much of his picture, but you can see his nice suit and tie, and his tagline that says “inquire here.” I love it. He probably wears lots of Vineyard Vines and will soon work at his father’s law firm.
In case anyone was wondering what I would have said in this interview, I think the finer things in life can be boiled down to three things: Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, bread with a crispy outside and fluffy inside, and witty men.
3. Gota Big Booty
*Checks for big booty*
*Is mistaken for dog chasing tail*
4. Ask Nicely
~Put me in a movie~
~Paint me like one of your french girls~
~Put me on your blog~
This “doctor in the making” is on the path to being one of those with terrible bedside manner. And I think both my inner teacher, and my inner psychologist had a say in my response to him. Once I reprimanded him and he followed directions well, I had to give him positive reinforcement by actually posting it.
5. One Guess
Okay, so like, I know my name isn’t Niicolee00, but most people are able to make an educated guess.
6. Ketchup, Son
I have many questions about this joke.
- What role does the mom-tomato play? Why doesn’t she speak the heck up? Come on girl, don’t let your tomato-husband make jokes while your son is splattered on the floor.
- How do tomatoes get around? I’m picturing tomatoes with legs. It’s almost finals week and my precious brain space is occupied by tomatoes with legs.
- My beautiful should get to know him sometime?? Learn some grammar.
7. Touch the Butt
*Ahem* THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS, BUD.
I’m sad. This guy had so much potential. Until I learned he didn’t appreciate New Jersey. What’s not to like?? We’re minutes away from everything you could possibly want. New York City, Philadelphia, the beach, the mountains. We also have some of the best food in the country. I don’t wanna hear any sass from you until you’ve had a Jersey bagel, Jersey pizza, and been to a Jersey diner.
9. Is Your Name Wifi?
Ahh, a classic for our millennial generation.
10. Papa Bear’s Porridge
I chose a good amount of sweet and funny ones this month, but I’m still ending on what I see as a positive note. For our last Tinder File of April, I chose this masterpiece based on a literary classic from your childhood.