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How was your May everyone?! May is one of my favorite months. College classes end, the weather is reliably nice, and I always have a renewed sense of motivation. And today I’m particularly excited, because it’s the last Friday of May, which means it’s time for the The Tinder Files! Like I’ve said in previous posts, The Tinder Files are my attempt to hold people accountable for what they say on online dating apps. You know, those free dating apps like Tinder or Plenty of Fish.
I started this series because I noticed that people were saying a lot of things to me on these online dating apps that they would never say at the bars. Guys were being crude and gross, or they weren’t putting in ANY effort. And just because you’re on online dating apps and there are screens between you, doesn’t mean you can ignore the rules of society. So, I post these monthly roundups of pickup lines in hopes that people will stop treating each other like sex objects just because we’re on online dating apps.
So, here’s how these roundups work. I post a few different kinds of lines. The first type is crude, inappropriate, or mean. The second is careless, full of typos, that kind of thing. Finally, the last kind, is the sweet, the funny, the clever. After all that negativity, we’re going to need those funny ones to cheer us up.
I do have a few ground rules set. I would never want anyone to think I’m doing this for the wrong reasons. For one thing, I’ll never make fun of anyone’s race, ethnicity, or any part of their appearance. I’d also never post about someone who seemed to have good intentions. Again, this is not about me just wanting to make fun of weirdos on the internet. It’s about recreating a healthy dating culture after we’ve added technology to the mix here. Additionally, I’ll also block out glaring identifying information. For example, a mix of a first name and location. Or a super close-up face in a picture. Don’t wanna be sued for slander even though I know your mamas told you what can happen to the things you post on the internet.
1. Boob Guy
I just took a good, hard look through my pictures on OKCupid, and my boobs are hardly visible in any picture. No cleavage visible in a single shot. That’s the first kicker of this message. The second, of course, is: who the EFF would walk up to someone and say this in a bar? A coffee shop? A speed dating meetup?? Nobody. Nobody in their right mind would walk up to a woman, say they want to suck her boobs, and expect good results. So WHY are they doing it here?
It’s because we don’t have rules in place for online dating apps like we do for dating in person. It’s been around for a while, but not long enough to establish social norms like we have for traditional dating. So next time you’ve got a compulsion to tell a woman you want to suck her boobs, think for a second about the results you’d get in person. Like a drink to the face. A screen doesn’t change the basic concept.
2. The Golfer
In what scenario are we SWINGING things??
3. The Rule Breaker
Initially, this seems well-intentioned, so I didn’t want to post it. However, he annoyed me with his “girls can’t feel liked from the start.” So here we are. In what world do women perceive attraction as a weakness? It sounds to me like he’s bitter about being friend-zoned, but that’s not an excuse to give ‘tude to someone you’re just meeting.
Also, he broke every single rule he’s ~supposedly~ meant to follow. He showed first interest by messaging me first, he messaged me multiple times in a row, and he certainly ranted.
4. What Did The Fish Say?
5. What We Shared
I think it’s so hilarious when guys come back with good-natured humor when I haven’t answered. It never fails to make me feel infinitely guilty, though. Way more guilty than when guys are angry with me about it. I just know that if I answered every message, even when I wasn’t interested, my self-esteem would go to shit because I would get torn to pieces by bitter men.
Also– just so everyone knows, since I’ve gotten so much criticism about the tacos, I started getting burritos at Chipotle.
6. (I Want You) (I Need You)
This is another one where some might say that this guy had good intentions. It’s hard to tell when you’re using online dating apps, just like with texting. It’s much harder to sense intention. But my judgement said that this was about swag and it came across completely fake to me. And a little funny.
7. All These Forks and Knives
Emojis are an excellent flirting tool, friends. Use them wisely and you can add a whole new level of humor to your messages. See, technology in dating isn’t all bad.
8. Flat Screen Mirrors
Flat screen MIRRORS? Oh gosh, I’m so glad he didn’t open directly with this. Kevin seems like he’s got a good head on his shoulders. You go, Kevin.
9. Big Toe
This one is a new spin on a classic from high school. “Pretend to be my homework so I can do you on the coffee table.” What’s so sexy about doing it on the coffee table? Should I try it sometime?
10. The Riddle
I always try to end on a good note. Like I said in the beginning, after all that negativity, we should point out the positive as well. There are some guys who are super sweet, or who send adorably clever lines, like this one.