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As some of you might know from my previous posts on the subject, I’m quite the online dating aficionado. And my time on Tinder, POF, OKCupid, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and more, have all taught me one thing: people have lost sight of the fact that their messages are going to a real-live human. Seriously, I can’t believe some of the stuff that reaches my inbox.
I hate letting a lot of that stuff go unnoticed. Sometimes, admittedly, I want to showcase the lines I get because they’re fantastically clever or sweet. More often though, I want to showcase them because they’re degrading or stupid. That’s why we’re all gathered here today. You’ve come to read my showcase– the Tinder Files. They’re my attempt to hold people accountable for what they say on online dating sites and apps. And sometimes they’re really freakin’ funny, which is a bonus.
I have some rules that I hold myself to in order to make sure I don’t come across like a total dick with this series. Like I said in the post where I explained the idea, this is not about making fun of people. It’s about recreating a healthy online dating culture. Because of this, I will never make fun of someone’s appearance, race, ethnicity, etc. I will also never make fun of someone who seemed to genuinely be trying hard to put themselves out there. I’ll also make sure to pink-out any majorly identifying features like real names or large, clear photos of faces. I hope that in the comments, you guys will hold yourself to the same standards. These lines can be really funny, of course, but there are respectful ways to enjoy that.
So, no more talking, let’s just get on to the funny part. Here are the ten best and worst pickup lines I’ve gotten on my online dating apps and sites this month.
1. My Particular Mixture of Sexy and Cute
In the hypothetical situation where you’d tell me this, I probably wouldn’t be offended so much as afraid. You, kind sir, are a stranger. We have never met, there’s nothing in your bio (sketchy AF) and you would NEVER walk up to a woman in a bar and say this. This is the exact reason why I feel a need to do this series. If you wouldn’t say it to a person in real life, you shouldn’t say it while online dating. It’s not cool.
2. I’m Persistent LOL
Again, we start with “come over.” Not something you’d use as an opener with a woman at a bar. And when you have to qualify your statement with “honestly I’m not trying to be creepy,” you’re probably doing it wrong. And and, persistence can be romantic if you’re trying to win back your girl after you’ve been with her for some time. Or, if you’ve been friends for a long time and you’re tryna move out the friend zone (sometimes). But in this situation, where you asked a girl to “come over,” and got ignored, it’s just annoying.
3. Hotter Than The Bottom of My Laptop
Ahh, a millennial classic. I love it. He’s not in the hall of shame, I really just thought this was funny. Sometimes we have to break up the pain with some genuinely cute material.
4. Are You Christmas?
The same boy came back for round two a few weeks later, with this holiday-themed gem. He was a little late, but still, gotta give him credit for that play on words.
5. You So Yummy
I guess I mostly have a problem with this one because his tagline is “Any real girls left?” and then his line to me shows absolutely no effort or thought. That’s not how you get a “real girl.” What is a real girl anyway? No ghosts allowed?
6. What Does It Say I Want?
This was such a shame. He was so cute, he spoke in full sentences (I’m not gonna be picky about the “your” right now), and he didn’t proposition sex in his first message. That’s the dream. Unfortunately, apparently he’s also a dirty rotten liar. RIP us. I’m still sad.
7. Your Buns
I’m sorry. I’m literally so sorry. This is everything I should hate but for some reason I find it hilarious.
8. Clap Dem Cheeks
I asked my FWB to explain this one to me. I was like, is it because seafood is an aphrodisiac? But no. For anyone as clueless as me, apparently a seafood dinner is what some guys call going to third base on a girl. Because of the smell. I might vomit. And still, I’m not sure what he means by clap dem cheeks because I was too nauseated by the first part. I assume it means going through the back door?? I don’t know though. Any insight is very much appreciated, thx.
9. The Beatles Lover (?)
Okay, so here’s why this one confuses me. I know this is sort of from a song. But at no point in said song does the blackbird fly into a mind. It learns to fly, it sings in the dead of night, it arises a whole bunch of times, but never flies into a mind.
Also, did I strike him as a Beatles fan? Did my bio make it seem like I needed this sort of inspiration? Am I supposed to think he wrote this because it’s not the real lyrics? Is there a hidden message????
10. The Pickup Rap
To end on a good note again this month, I’m excited to show the best pickup line from an online dating site that I think I’ve ever received. The man rapped to me. I was so honored. I feel like Monica Lewinsky. (Did you know she’s been mentioned in almost 40 rap songs?)